Accused? Betrayed?....Confused for sure! - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 07-22-2017, 08:58 PM Thread Starter
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Accused? Betrayed?....Confused for sure!

I am dealing with a very difficult situation at work right now. I share an office with 2 other people (we are all males). Down the hall is this female who we has to rely on our department for certain tasks and the printer that she has to use for her computer is in our office. Because of this, she spends a lot of time in our office and talking to us. I have been working there for over 3 years and the 2 others I share the office with have been there for 6 and 2 years respectively. The female, though with the company for over 5 years has been in her department and office for 2 years. Therefore a lot of time has passed since all of us have been working together and we have all worked together and gotten along very well with no real issues. Before I proceed, it should be noted that I am happily married (and have never cheated on my wife) and the female is living with her boyfriend of many years whom she always spoke of favorably and the child they have together.

One day about a month ago, my coworker whom I got along with very well and even spent a little time with outside of work (the one who has been there for 2 yrs...the 6 yr coworker is not involved in this) asked me at random if he could tell me something "even if it is bad" and if I would "promise not to say anything". I agreed considering we had a very good rapport, but I admit that my judgment may have been a little off because I was up most of the night after learning my Grandmother had passed away (which I shared with my coworkers and the female upon my arrival). He then went on to tell me that the female I mentioned told him that she felt I was "flirting" with her and the she was starting to feel uncomfortable around me. I asked him what on earth I could have said or done to make her feel this way as I had not flirted with her. He said she gave no examples and "stopped talking" because me and the other coworker had come back to the room. I told him that I wouldn't mention anything to her as this was a sensitive issue and could become worse but had no desire to speak with her anymore other than business related issues. He then tried to ask me to not do that and said I should "just drop it" and it isn't that bad because she spoke to me in the morning...I told him I could not do that. The female stayed in the office the rest of the day and I left early to go be with my family.

A lot of time had passed from there because the female went on vacation and I had gone on bereavement leave and a planned vacation after returning for a few days. Upon my return from vacation the middle of this week, I had still stuck with not speaking to the female while honoring my coworker's request to not raise the issue...the female would stop in the room to "chit-chat" as she normally did and I would not engage at all. Later in the day, there was something I needed from the female's office. I asked the coworker who told me what she said to get what I needed. I then brought what he got for me where I needed it to go but upon returning, the coworker and the female talking but as soon as I came she scurried off to her office and the coworker said " yeah..yeah". Though I was trying not to be paranoid throughout this whole ordeal, I couldn't help but suspect they were talking about me and this situation.

The next day, the other coworker called out and one of the supervisors came to handle some of the workload. Upon my arrival, the door was closed and the coworker was in there with him. They stopped talking when I got there and the coworker ended by saying "that's what is going on". Ironically, a few minutes later, the supervisor (note that he is in his very early 20's and is close with the coworker who is not much older), said to the coworker that he needed something but would have to ask (the female). He said her name very drawn out and sarcastic and looked at me while doing so. I suspected the coworker haf talked about this matter before I arrived so I did not engage with conversation with him.

Early in the afternoon, the supervisor left to go to another office. Shortly after the suoervisor left, the coworker asked me if he was doing anything wrong because I was not speaking to him as much lately and if it had anything to do with the issue with the female. I told him that I was just scaling back with socializing with coworkers because I was tirwd of being nice to people to just get crapped on and reiterated that I did not appreciate the situation because it was a misunderstanding that I was still not made aware of she should have either expressed to me whatever it was that she thought was making her feel uncomfortable or even went to her or my manager. He then said that she had asked him a few times if he had told me what she shared with him and he said that he told her no ("he said she said nonsense). Then he went on to say that I was "(his) boy" and he did not want anything to affect how good we got along and worked together. I just said ok and proceeded to eat my lunch. I did not ask him about him speaking to the supervisor or his conversations with the female as I am trying my best to not make this situation worse and that this is where I get my paycheck from.

Shortly after this, I had to step out of the room for something but as soon as I returned, the female was there and the conversation appeared to swiftly change and she left shortly after.

We then move to the next day and I did not speak to the female or the coworker at all other than a quick good morning and good night as I have high suspicion about his involvement in all of this. At the end of the day, he looked very sad at me before leaving (he leaves earlier than I do). He even came back in after leaving for a minute and had a sad look on his face again.

I am becoming very frustrated as this has been lingering now for almost a month. The coworker was someone that I thought highly of and got along with really well. I understand in the society we live in today that many words or actions could be perceived as flirting or beyond. However, I still do not know what (or if I even) did or said to give her the wrong impression and can't wrap my mind around anything as I have no information. What should I have done and what should do going forward? My gut tells me my coworker is/was not being 100% honest with me. Any thoughts or suggestions will be much appreciated!
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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 07-22-2017, 09:17 PM
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Yeah, I almost kind of wonder if he made the whole thing up.

I would try to talk to her directly and not bring him up at all. I would just be like, "I've noticed sometimes you stop talking when I enter the room. Is there some issue that you and I need to discuss directly?"
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 07-22-2017, 09:25 PM
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Something is missing in your story. Either you're not very perceptive but there are pieces of your story that have gaps in them , thus I cannot make a logical conclusion to your matter.

I mean, so a girl you work with, thinks your flirting with her, randomly?

It sounds so utterly trivial. My question is man-to-man, just be honest (lying only hurts you), did you EVER or in any, shape or form , talk to her in a way that she might have misinterpreted as flirting?

The whole situation is so trivial anyway. Flirting; you didn't touch her inappropriate or sexually harass her and there is no proof so ...

"In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said, "Is it good, friend?
"It is bitter - bitter," he answered;
"But I like it
Because it is bitter,
And because it is my heart."

- Stephen Crane
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 07-22-2017, 10:01 PM Thread Starter
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My question is man-to-man, just be honest (lying only hurts you), did you EVER or in any, shape or form , talk to her in a way that she might have misinterpreted as flirting?

RE: No lying on my part...this is exactly what I am trying to figure out. If I was given specific example(s) when this was first brought to my attention and when I discussed this with my coworker again, I would understand, apologize and be more mindful in the future to avoid misunderstandings and accusations. I was given NOTHING and I really cannot think of anything I said. touching, advances or harassment.
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 07-23-2017, 01:49 AM
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Interesting that all four of you work for the same company yet the two men are your coworkers while the woman is the female.

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