Deciding to not socialize at work is biting me in the butt. - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-27-2019, 10:55 AM Thread Starter
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Deciding to not socialize at work is biting me in the butt.


I'm now applying for a job that requires me to give three references with intimate info such as home address, email address, and phone numbers. In all my former jobs, I decided to avoid socializing, while my coworkers went as far as to add each other on Facebook. Now that I'm long gone from my old jobs, I've essentially made myself a stranger to them. At this point I can very awkwardly try to re-connect with my old bosses and co-workers or give up; I haven't seen them in over 3 years. I can't do the family reference or the fake reference idea, if they call and ask for specific job information, it's game over.
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post #2 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-28-2019, 10:28 PM
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You have to bite the bullet.

I called up an old team leader that I had 5+ years ago just to ask him if he could be my reference.

Ya gotta do what ya gotta do.
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post #3 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-29-2019, 12:12 AM
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Yeah. I'll be pretty ****ed whenever I do need references myself. I'll just be honest and say that I have none but that will probably disqualify me immediately from whatever I am applying to.

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post #4 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-29-2019, 09:15 AM
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Get someone to pose as a reference. You gotta do what you gotta do to survive in this garbage world.

Are you sure it's a % 100 requirement to have references complete with numbers and addresses from every job you've ever had? That's an unreasonable request imo and I doubt they take it that seriously unless it's a very serious job.
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post #5 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-29-2019, 10:52 AM Thread Starter
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It's not optional, it's a required field. The job itself is not what I would assume to be "serious", but the request does seem dis-proportionally strict. It's like people who aren't social butterflies are seen as dangerous criminals applying to jobs. It looks like I'm gonna have to play along with the employment game and hassle old co-workers with a call and see what happens. I just hate the idea of sounding like a "beggar" you know.
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post #6 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-29-2019, 01:48 PM Thread Starter
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So an update. I did go through with making the phone call, I had to psyche myself up for 30 minutes (worst thing they can do is say no right?) and chewed some bubble gum as a distraction when I called. It might help others who are going through a similar experience, so I'll explain how it went.

The person who picked up the phone was a new employee, yet he somehow recognized my name. He wanted to transfer me to someone who was around longer who knew me better, so it went to the boss. The boss vaguely remembered name, but said they had a history of going through many employees, and spoke to me much like you would a customer, likewise I was distant in tone. I was then told that there was another department (HR) to call that would be more appropriate to answer my inquiry. I called and they gave me instructions on what format to use to fill the application, but it did not use personal information. I accepted the answer they gave me and used it to finally fill out my application.
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post #7 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-03-2019, 01:51 PM
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What application is this
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post #8 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-04-2019, 04:09 PM Thread Starter
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I won't be too specific, but it's a temporary teaching assistant job.
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post #9 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-05-2019, 08:35 AM
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That's the sucky part about work you need to make connection to move up. I too don't socialize at work most of the time. I talk enough once in a blue moon to not seem too unattached from the people here. Still I love my job as long as I stay in my office and just work. I can't stand all that socials stuff.

Still, if possible as whoever you can because most people at worst forgot about you if you left the job but no one would not give you a reference if you asked them too. I've been asked to give reference for former co-workers and they were people I talked too like twice.
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post #10 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-05-2019, 08:40 AM
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Hm, a lot of the time (well, all of the time) I don't contact previous employers to see if they'd give me a reference. I assume they would, I've worked in HR and references are done as a matter of course. We'd get contacted about someone who worked there 12 years ago, we'd dig through the paperwork and confirm that they were a former employee. That's it. If I don't have some info and can't find it online (e.g. e-mail address) when filling in a job application, I leave it blank. If I don't know the direct line number, I give the switchboard number.

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post #11 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-05-2019, 09:04 AM
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I'd have to admit right out the reason I got fired from my last job is the people all hated me.

I can do the work. I can do the job. If you want the actual work done, I'm your man. If you want somebody to be everyone's friend and never get anything finished, you might as well get someone else.
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post #12 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-05-2019, 12:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HellCell View Post
I won't be too specific, but it's a temporary teaching assistant job.
oh sorry. well this sentence completely throws me off :

Quote:
I called and they gave me instructions on what format to use to fill the application, but it did not use personal information.
what do you put on a job application that doesn't pertain to your person? :P
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post #13 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-05-2019, 12:36 PM Thread Starter
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Public phone number, workplace address, public workplace email, job title.
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post #14 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-05-2019, 12:44 PM
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Yeah some people will outright refuse to be a reference if they've not seen you in years. Since technically you may not be the same person they knew back then. The whole process is annoying af.
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post #15 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-05-2019, 01:01 PM Thread Starter
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It doesn't make sense. I can understand criminal background checks, drug tests, but then asking for references? Like what's that supposed to assess? How popular I am and my ability to make friends at work? None of my previous jobs ever requires being friends with everyone to increase productivity. It's always been about the task at hand.
Then let's say I force myself to ask former co-workers about being a reference, it's the same dynamic as cold calling a stranger and asking if they're willing to participate in a survey. It makes both parties uncomfortable. They are feeling they are being hassled, but guilted if they say no. I'm feeling like I'm using them because I've not contacted them in any other way except for my selfish need of a job application. It's **** like this that makes people jobless for a long time cause they get into positions that force them to break their character.
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post #16 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-05-2019, 03:19 PM
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don't you just use your old bosses? i don't contact them, i just write them in. maybe they will be surprised and not know what to really say if they get called, but after the first time they will expect more probably. they're pretty much obligated to do it and not allowed to say anything negative about you. i doubt mine even remember me but its required so you just do it. giving them an email address also makes it even easier.

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post #17 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-05-2019, 05:22 PM Thread Starter
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Tbh, I never knew that it was obligatory for former bosses to respond to those calls and be nice to you about it. I was under the impression it had to be requested. It does make sense to look good in the community and to maintain a bridge with former employees.
That's new information to me, thanks for the insight. I hope it's true.
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post #18 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-06-2019, 07:35 AM
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Tbh, I never knew that it was obligatory for former bosses to respond to those calls and be nice to you about it. I was under the impression it had to be requested. It does make sense to look good in the community and to maintain a bridge with former employees.
That's new information to me, thanks for the insight. I hope it's true.
that's not true in my case and i don't see why it would be obligated under any stipulation, law or collective bargain... things like this are probably quite subjective too considering we all live in different countries(?).
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post #19 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-06-2019, 09:45 AM
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This is a super common issue that is not only about SA or lack of socializing. The most socially adept pple I know feel awkward and weird reaching out to past pple for references. Just wanted to throw that out there to normalize it a bit. I've been through it. Nothing more awk than calling someone you haven't spoken to in 3 years for a reference. The upside is it's such a universally annoying thing, most pple are willing to help out cause they know how frustrating it can be. Think that's why so many are willing to falsify references as well. It's just an awkward part of doing business no one particularly cares for.

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post #20 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-06-2019, 11:31 AM
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This is a super common issue that is not only about SA or lack of socializing. The most socially adept pple I know feel awkward and weird reaching out to past pple for references. Just wanted to throw that out there to normalize it a bit. I've been through it. Nothing more awk than calling someone you haven't spoken to in 3 years from a reference. The upside is it's such a universally annoying thing, most pple are willing to help out cause they know how frustrating it can be. Think that's why so many are willing to falsify references as well. It's just an awkward part of doing business no one particularly cares for.
this certainly brings good stuff to the table.

i wonder if this "universal annoyance" is the same reason why essentially the last 3 jobs i have signed, they didn't ask for references (or did any background checking).

but i have been to interviews where they specifically asked for 2 (somtiems 3) references and did background check after the interview.
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