Hello (another rant),
I just started my first official full-time job and it's all very intimidating. I'm not exactly comfortable but I'm not in dire straits either.
Right off that bat, I don't exactly make the best impression with my manager. I really detest having to do one-on-one things with people 'cause I'm not a socialite.
Anyway, it's been pretty slow for my first week but I've been shadowing this other guy who's only been with the company for three months.
I'm not exactly fitting-in but I'm getting along fine with my team—which as of right now is just me and the guy I'm shadowing. My office is really small. Our room is even smaller.
What I'm picking on quickly is the culture and how everyone kind of "keeps the peace". It seems that the way the harmony here is kept is by making everything into a joke—or to just be witty.
So, if it's something negative, you have to make it into a joke. I kind of noticed it at my internship too but I feel like I'm seeing it a lot more here. Perhaps that's just how general socializing works.
I have a very bad tell when it comes to not feeling comfortable and that involves my face. I'm very expressive in that regard but I can sometimes also forget to smile when I'm nervous.
Smiling does in fact go a long way but it only goes so far. Because the company is so small and because the office is also small, it feels like everyone knows each other well.
I'm not comfortable just walking around and making random conversations with people. I can't even handle brief small talk. I was even forgotten by someone. What's worse is I can't be funny on the spot or ad hoc. I always come up with something clever only after the whole thing has passed which does me no good.
At this rate, I fear I'll wind up getting caught up in something and not being able to recover from it. I'd rather not get fired from my first job but I'm also at a loss for what I'm doing.
I just want to be able to do my job and have no one bug me. I don't get why I'm also expected to be sociable.