Work Relationships are So Hard!!! Need Advice - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-24-2019, 02:10 AM Thread Starter
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Work Relationships are So Hard!!! Need Advice


Hey Guys,

I struggle so much at work that i am stuck between not knowing how to relate with others to feeling like an outsider. If i stay to myself they wonder why i am so quite and when i do try to socialize sometimes i come off as awkward or over the top.

I work with a bunch of guys and being one of the only females and an introvert at that, its kind of hard to relate with them. ONE OF THE SITUATIONS: Awhile back one of my coworkers drank a little much and made a big deal about seeing a dog. So we all laughed at it and had a great time. He would never admit to it or just smile and laugh it off saying i don't know what you are talking about. So on this most recent work trip we were in a group of coworkers (not all knew the back story) and i was laughing and yelled out (since he was down a flight of stairs) that the hotel was pet friendly and that they have dogs. I didn't think he heard me (hindsight he was probably ignoring me) i say it again not thinking it was a huge deal that he would laugh it off or something. He just smiles a bit and says shut up Katt... I just laugh it off and go on. Later on i am dwelling about it and wishing i never said it in the first place. The fact that i was yelling it and as I was replaying it in my head it just seemed more and more idiotic. I would never intentional hurt someone or embarrass them, because i really wouldn't want that to happen to me. I figured in my head i am not close enough to him to joke but i really didn't think he was that sensitive to it. This is but one instance when i am at work that things seem to blow up in my face, how do i deal with these situations? And how can i best fit in and be one of the group and not always come off looking stupid? I am tired of feeling inadequate, embarrassed, lonely, and feeling like I need to apologize all the time. Let me know if you have any pointers on being more confident and how to brush off the small stuff. I know i over analyze things and dwell on it if it is soooo bad, and in my mind it just keeps growing until i cant sleep and get even more anxious. And how do you deal with awkward silences I never know what to do i end up getting nervous and start rambling. I am 34yrs old you would think i would have this confidence thing down by now. I have dealt with anxiety most of my life and am so tired of feeling this way. Please help...

Thank you in advance for any help you may give,

Katt
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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-08-2019, 06:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Katt007 View Post
Hey Guys,

I struggle so much at work that i am stuck between not knowing how to relate with others to feeling like an outsider. If i stay to myself they wonder why i am so quite and when i do try to socialize sometimes i come off as awkward or over the top.

I work with a bunch of guys and being one of the only females and an introvert at that, its kind of hard to relate with them. ONE OF THE SITUATIONS: Awhile back one of my coworkers drank a little much and made a big deal about seeing a dog. So we all laughed at it and had a great time. He would never admit to it or just smile and laugh it off saying i don't know what you are talking about. So on this most recent work trip we were in a group of coworkers (not all knew the back story) and i was laughing and yelled out (since he was down a flight of stairs) that the hotel was pet friendly and that they have dogs. I didn't think he heard me (hindsight he was probably ignoring me) i say it again not thinking it was a huge deal that he would laugh it off or something. He just smiles a bit and says shut up Katt... I just laugh it off and go on. Later on i am dwelling about it and wishing i never said it in the first place. The fact that i was yelling it and as I was replaying it in my head it just seemed more and more idiotic. I would never intentional hurt someone or embarrass them, because i really wouldn't want that to happen to me. I figured in my head i am not close enough to him to joke but i really didn't think he was that sensitive to it. This is but one instance when i am at work that things seem to blow up in my face, how do i deal with these situations? And how can i best fit in and be one of the group and not always come off looking stupid? I am tired of feeling inadequate, embarrassed, lonely, and feeling like I need to apologize all the time. Let me know if you have any pointers on being more confident and how to brush off the small stuff. I know i over analyze things and dwell on it if it is soooo bad, and in my mind it just keeps growing until i cant sleep and get even more anxious. And how do you deal with awkward silences I never know what to do i end up getting nervous and start rambling. I am 34yrs old you would think i would have this confidence thing down by now. I have dealt with anxiety most of my life and am so tired of feeling this way. Please help...

Thank you in advance for any help you may give,

Katt
It took Thomas Edison 1,000 attempts to perfect the light bulb. If it takes you 1,000 attempts to be confident, so be it. At Least you didn't give up. Confidence and assertiveness does not occur overnight. It takes time and practice, just like everything else in life. Forget your co-workers and what they think. If they judge you, let them be. They have forgotten where they came from and where they started because at some point in their life they were not confident, nor assertive. Have positive self talk; they are no better than you.

No need to beat yourself up, just spread your wings and fly. Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished. Try to apply it to your own life and situations that arise. And you will succeed. You got this!
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-08-2019, 07:26 AM
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I think ideally you should just make a brief apology the next time you see him (not make a big deal about it, but let him know it won't happen again). Everybody understands when you make that kind of mistake, because you can't read minds and everybody who's actively social makes those mistakes. It's whether you repeat the same mistake after you've been informed it was a mistake that determines whether the person likes or dislikes you.

Most people, of course, won't apologize. That's going the extra mile.

Edit: Although this was apparently at least a few months ago, so at this point it would be rather awkward to say "hey, remember when I embarrassed you a few months ago, sorry about that."

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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-24-2019, 04:49 AM
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Edit: Although this was apparently at least a few months ago, so at this point it would be rather awkward to say "hey, remember when I embarrassed you a few months ago, sorry about that."
Also jumping in here a little late as Paul said.
I would add (and I’m not trying to be sexist here) that it’s likely he didn’t really take it badly. As women we’re conditioned to try and make people happy, to please everyone so any sign of displeasure from others, especially men, can set off alarms in our heads.
Men on the other hand are conditioned to hide and bury their emotions and just get the job done.
Again, I reiterate, I’m not trying to be sexist - of course there are women and men who don’t fall into these stereotypes. But this is something I struggle with often and I find it helps to remind myself of it and let myself know it’s ok to feel this way, and it’s ok to move on from it.

It'll soon shake your windows and rattle your walls, for the times they are a changing.
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-24-2019, 06:47 AM
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if "see a dog" is a euphemism for urinating, i think your yelling was a hilarious callback joke

stifle your impulse to apologize. most of the time, your apology is just you projecting your insecurities to the outside world and telling the other people "i did something bad , i have sinned, please world, forgive my sins" even tho your transgression was miniscule, or not even to be considered a transgression.

i've heard tho that british/english people apologise all the time... i'm not sure
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-24-2019, 06:49 AM
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. As women we’re conditioned to try and make people happy, to please everyone
what the fuxk?
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-24-2019, 04:23 PM
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Men on the other hand are conditioned to hide and bury their emotions and just get the job done.
Yeah I agree, but that tends to mean we actually take it worse and dwell on it a lot longer. I'm great at not expressing my feelings, but that doesn't stop them from existing or make them less strong and is in no way a helpful coping strategy (just a culturally-necessary one).

And we do appreciate apologies.

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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 05-29-2019, 04:51 AM
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The fact that he smiled a little bit tells me that he didn't seem too bothered. Maybe he just forgot the reference or didn't think it needed to be said out loud since it was an inside joke so to speak? I think you're fine just try and forget it and don't beat yourself up over it.

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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 06-10-2019, 06:48 PM
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I wish work relationships wasn’t even a thing. I genuinely like being on my own but I hate getting judged for it, so just to avoid being ridiculed or judged I pretend to be a “normal” person and it’s draining af


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