Am I too nice?!?! - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 07-18-2019, 07:51 PM Thread Starter
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Am I too nice?!?!

Hey guys, so I have been thinking about my past alot and I cant help but feel that i have been mistreated. I would always give them the benefit of the doubt and say things like "there just having a bad day" or "there just trying to coach me" or "helping them is the right thing to do" but when I look back at it I think I was being mistreated or taken advantage of. I get bossed around at work alot. I tell myself that I need to do what they are asking me to do because it is my job but alot of times it felt like it was me always being told to do these things because they knew I would never say no. Also a coworker and even some of the customers tell me that I am very nice. Not sure if that is really a good thing....
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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 07-18-2019, 09:59 PM
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When people come in contact with a nice, helpful person, their ego will latch onto this. Depending on the moral capacities of that person, they will abuse your niceness a little bit, or a lot.

People tell me I'm nice all the time. And I know that I can be a bit of a doormat. If the other person isn't nice enough, they will wipe off their shoes on this doormat. The people who are nice, will reciprocate YOUR niceness.

Simple example:
Coworker asks me for a cig. I give them one. This has opened the "opportunities gate" in coworker's mind, and now they'll ask ME primarily anytime they're out of cigs. If I keep giving out cigs, this will reinforce my "giver status". And if my coworker doesn't reciprocate my niceness, I am cosmically ascribed Doormat Status.

If someone who isn't your boss is bossing you.... You talk to your boss and/or HR
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 07-19-2019, 02:43 AM
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There's nothing wrong with being nice but there is something wrong with being a pushover. If you don't set boundaries with people, demand respect (let them know when you don't appreciate something they did or said), and most importantly if you are afraid of confrontation or standing up for yourself then there's an issue.

Being a pushover is a problem, being nice is not.

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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 07-19-2019, 02:53 AM
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Niceness and non assertiveness aren't the same thing. I think that is an important thing to bear in mind because if you are assertive, then that doesn't mean you are being not nice. If you think being assertive is the same as being unpleasant, you won't even try to be assertive. So you might be non assertive out of not wanting to upset people, but definitely don't frame it as being nice.

Imo, by being non assertive you just aren't being nice to yourself, and that person is the one you need to be the nicest too.

Yes, it sounds like you should work on being more assertive. But its going to take a lot of work and effort, and will be uncomfortable as ****. Being assertive is much easier if you are that way from the outset with people, as they learn behaviours based on how you interact with them, and you have to try to undo that now. I have done it myself, but with some people it takes a lot of work to "retrain" them. Some people it's ok, other people I literally just gave up on the friendship because what used to be acceptable to me wasn't any more, and they refused to adjust their behaviour.

Decide on boundaries early with people, assert them early on, and you won't have to later.

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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 07-21-2019, 08:56 PM
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It sounds like you're a naturally helpful person, but (like me) it also sounds like you often give in to avoid conflict.

If you ever feel resentful, cheated, etc after helping someone, that feeling is telling you that you're sacrificing too much to the other person.

Some of the best advice I received for being overly helpful is to make sure your cup is full before filling up someone else's cup.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 07-29-2019, 09:17 PM
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Thinking about it... It is one of easiest things to take advantage of me and I don't like it, but won't stop it either... Sadly I'm a total doormat and to be said cheap one...

Even shy people can be sassy sometimes...
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 07-29-2019, 10:00 PM
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Yes you are. I repeat, make the changes now. You, we all have to learn to say no. If we can't learn to say no, then you will always be stepped on in this life. It's not about being nice, it's about letting people now that they should respect us. I use to do this as well. I'd tell myself it's something with them but I realized that if I don't want to do something and if it's especially someone that hasn't done **** for me then Im not doing ****. You don't tell me what to do unless you pay me. I don't even do favors for friends anymore unless I know they've done me one as well. The only people that I'll listen to outside of work are my parents but that's it. Another thing, if your the type of person quick to say yes, it's never too late to tell the person you changed your mind and if they ask or say you already said yes just tell them you spoke too soon or weren't thinking or don't say anything at all which is my preference cause I don't have to explain anything to them unless they give me the green.

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