Im 21 years old but not mature - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-14-2019, 01:48 PM Thread Starter
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Im 21 years old but not mature


I have problems like social anxiety and depression, zero self esteem. But worst thing is im not like 21 years old, i cant take responsibilities. my parents are doing for me. i feel like people will judge me and hate me. im vulnerable. can i get rid of this situation? psychiatric medications dont actually make a difference
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post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-14-2019, 02:36 PM
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I have always been insecure about my maturity since I was 18 because it seemed like everyone was always three steps ahead from where I was. I'm a couple weeks away from being 23 and still live with my parents. At the very least, you're not alone. I feel like most people don't see me as, or respect me as an adult because I don't have a job and essentially have no social skills. I can't even make phone call without panicking, or survive a job interview. I think even the few friends I have look down on me sometimes because I haven't taken the same initiative in life as they have. That shame is paralyzing and unhelpful. I think becoming financially independent would help me a lot, but it seems I'm in a self-defeating prophecy. I don't know your full life situation, but I think the best we can do is try take more initiative in life, practice, and hope other people will be understanding. Other than that, try not compare yourself to those around you.

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post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-15-2019, 06:14 PM
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Same man I joined this site when I turned 20 hoping I would change, but one year later it prolly got worse. Thankfully I also have parents that are supportive and helpful. The good thing is Im taking a semester off university to focus on myself and get my priorities right. Getting a full time job and exercising will hopefully give me confidence and the boost I need.
Good luck hopefully well be there soon.

Live life no matter what.. never quit you deserve better.
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post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-16-2019, 02:47 AM
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I don't feel like I became more mature until a couple of years ago. It might seem like you should be by now and a lot of people are in some ways compared to others but you're still a kid in some ways, you still haven't woken up. For a lot of people that doesn't happen until they're in their 30s.
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post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-29-2019, 11:16 PM
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Being mature... well...
I guess, I will never be able to be mature, dying looks way more easier (even though I'm still alive.).

Even shy people can be sassy sometimes...
I'll put drunk raccoon in my signature as well, because I CAN...
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post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-30-2019, 07:22 AM
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21, you're a snot-nose still =)
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post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-31-2019, 05:33 AM
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It was my birthday last week. I'm 45, and I still feel like a kid. I feel like mentally I haven't changed much since my 20s.

But hey, maybe that's good 8^)
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post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-31-2019, 05:52 AM
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Personally, I see "maturity" as equivalent of "tired of living". "Mature" people are all serious and dead inside. I'm never going to let my inner child die, and my life is going to be one big party all the way until my heart stops beating.
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post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-31-2019, 07:40 AM
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When I was 21...

Change will happen regardless either by a traumatic experience or through painful amounts of stagnation (eventually leading to a traumatic event/revelation)...

I would say try to do everything you do, slowly and surely and be intensely mindful of any interactions you have with other people, at least until you reach a good level of awareness (+ self-awareness). It's extremely painful but you might have to start looking in the mirror one day and have an honest self-reflection.

Once all the soul-crushing stuff is out of the way, you can begin to pick up the pieces and figure out how to be less ****... unless of course you actually have some good things going for you, then on that point you'll realize what you should focus on improving.

^At least that's just my experiences... I think I was stunted in all categories of development and also resource/environment-wise too, then when living arrangements improved there was a sudden spurt of growth. I wouldn't say I'm "mature" per se, but much more self-aware AND less naive about human nature.

I held off the honest self-reflection for too long though, I did have (still do) extremely low self-esteem and no confidence but for some reason my 20/21yo self had a sense of denial.. like things could still be okay - What I mean is... I had to go through several massive soul-crushing breakdowns before I could reach the level of self-awareness I'm at now... (Heck I think I've still got 2-3 more to go but I don't know when they'll hit..)

It's really painful truly examining through all the cards you've been dealt, your relative worth as a human being (trying to be objective which can be extremely painful)... kind of like, look in the mirror and beat yourself up, but in a truthful way.

It sounds counter-intuitive but it gave me a sense of clarity and answers to why certain things happen and what are my options and what I should prepare for/be worried about.

Also, I would a adopt a cynical nature earlier on depending on your lifestyle... And I mean really cynical, be polite and kind to people but don't let them in (unless they let you in). I don't know much about your personal life or passions or skills though so things might be brighter than I'm assuming. Basically when I first entered 20s I was still very trusting, like a child, trusting of others with my whole heart always thinking people are nice... actually in retrospect my intuition always went off constantly but my denial kept me a baby because I just didn't think people were that mean or fake.

So just to be safe, I think it's better to keep a reserved distance and not let anyone in, monitor all social interactions and have a cynical mindset, don't give away any of yourself and keep quiet, try to be on guard at all times. You could even create a facade sort of "guard" like personality to prevent people from being nosy and to basically **** off and stop putting you on the spot and asking more invasive questions.

I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.
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post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-31-2019, 09:20 AM
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but don't let them in (unless they let you in).
This is slightly impossible
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post #11 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-31-2019, 09:28 AM
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Mature at 21?! You crazy? You outta your mind?

I'm 24 and not even close to mature yet. I'm mature other places *wink wink* But my brain is that of a 10 year old. Wanna play with sand and shovels? plz? Build little sandcastles with me? Wanna put me on your shoulders plz?


Just be happy your parents are there.. They're still there for me too I live for myself and spend all my time on the pc, wasting money on nothing but useless garbage, some of us are made like that.

So people can judge us as much as they want, we're still cooler than them, cause we're not gonna grow up that easy! (So fun time is not over yet)

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post #12 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-31-2019, 08:25 PM
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This is slightly impossible
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I think it's kind of possible but you have to stick with it, there's some semi-professional extra-curriculars I do and a lot of the people I'm friendly with (that I've known for over 3-4 years) that had my social media/contacts don't even know my real name/background/education because for the whole time I've used an alias for "protection", I avoid talking about my background and mainly talk about theirs in conversation otherwise I avoid getting too close to people these days.

Only a few people I knew before I finished HS know some of my background and can still call me by my birthname.. out of tolerance (also some mentors)... but actually, there's only 2 people who know me more personally and honestly but they both live across the world. They know the most vulnerable parts of me, and I feel like I can talk about anything with them while having fun.

I basically have a double life, or triple life... but a bit more extreme in that it's not just a personality facade, my name and identity + background is hidden, the next layer can't be helped because of school/growing up/family, and then the third layer is people I'm vulnerable with. SAS is also personal venting too, but more the angry parts of me...

I'm a bit more extreme, but I was just suggesting to OP he be distant and not give away too much of his personality like I did.

In my case I started early (like a bit after HS when I started meeting new people) so my social medias (which used my alias) seemed normal and not like a new account. At the moment since I'm on sabbatical I've deactivated everything so only life 2 and 3 people can contact me now. :P

I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.
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post #13 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-31-2019, 09:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Deaf Mute View Post
I think it's kind of possible but you have to stick with it, there's some semi-professional extra-curriculars I do and a lot of the people I'm friendly with (that I've known for over 3-4 years) that had my social media/contacts don't even know my real name/background/education because for the whole time I've used an alias for "protection", I avoid talking about my background and mainly talk about theirs in conversation otherwise I avoid getting too close to people these days.

Only a few people I knew before I finished HS know some of my background and can still call me by my birthname.. out of tolerance (also some mentors)... but actually, there's only 2 people who know me more personally and honestly but they both live across the world. They know the most vulnerable parts of me, and I feel like I can talk about anything with them while having fun.

I basically have a double life, or triple life... but a bit more extreme in that it's not just a personality facade, my name and identity + background is hidden, the next layer can't be helped because of school/growing up/family, and then the third layer is people I'm vulnerable with. SAS is also personal venting too, but more the angry parts of me...

I'm a bit more extreme, but I was just suggesting to OP he be distant and not give away too much of his personality like I did.

In my case I started early (like a bit after HS when I started meeting new people) so my social medias (which used my alias) seemed normal and not like a new account. At the moment since I'm on sabbatical I've deactivated everything so only life 2 and 3 people can contact me now. :P
I think it may be hard to have the "right" perspective when you go to those lengths tho
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post #14 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-31-2019, 09:58 PM
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Hi Suchness!

I am really sorry for your suffering. The thing about medications is that it alters your neurotransmitters a.k.a the feel good chemicals in your head but it does little to permanently alter your faulty thought processes. Let me tell you a story:

Lets say you are chilling at a beach, its beautiful, sunny and big waves keep lashing onto the shore. You are enjoying your drink and suddenly you hear someone yelling onto you left. You look into that direction and see that its two little girls, with their mom in the middle. They have the same bow, the same bathing suit, same height........ you realize that they are TWINS, looking at the oncoming wave and yelling, but there is a difference. The one on the right is looking at the wave and going "WOOOHOOOOO!'' and the one on the left is going ''NOOOHHOOO Noooo''
They both are looking at the exact same thing-THE WAVE, their upbringing would've been quite similar, they literally are identical twins! So what is causing them to feel two different emotions?

The one on the right is probably thinking- ''This is so much fun"
The one on the left is probably thinking- "I am gonna drown in this wave"or "it's going to injure me"

Does that make sense to you?

The way we perceive things leads us to feel a particular emotion. But medication does not do that! It changes only your brain chemistry. You need not only medications but psychotherapy or counselling to deal with your dysfunctionality and I am sure that you will start feeling the difference.

Love and Peace
Z
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Albert Ellis Institute
New York City, USA
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post #15 of 15 (permalink) Old 08-01-2019, 06:19 AM
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Well, age really is just a number. What's important is how you feel. So don't stress over your age & your progress in life. My story is the same, especially my dad did everything for me my whole life, except when I started uni I was far away from my home so I had to do everything on my own. After a while, I was capable of doing things I could never imagine before.
It's about taking small steps. And then the more stuff you achieve, the more confidence you have. You will start to believe in yourself. You will build your self esteem slowly.
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